Exactly a year ago today, I was leaving Nashville to spend a month in Colorado for work. My life was neat and tidy. Organized and predictable. I worked hard so that everything could (seemingly) tie up nicely in a bow. I packed my fancy gold-foil holiday cards that I addressed and mailed while I was away. I flew home in time for an early Christmas with my parents, and then spent Christmas Day with my boyfriend-at-the-time’s family. And for each occasion, I'd thoughtfully shopped & beautifully wrapped gifts to deliver to all parties. This was what I'd done every Christmas. And even though my entire December was spent in a completely different city, that didn't stop me from being a usual holiday-bad@ss.
But somehow this year my life is far from organized and tidy. The lamp in my bedroom hasn’t had a shade since March. I laugh at the thought of sending out Christmas cards- because if I’m honest- I’m lucky if I remember to pay my bills on time. Back home in Nashville, I have clothes all over my bedroom floor, dishes in the sink, and piles of mail on the counter that I put off sorting. I’m having the most unconventional Christmas I’ve ever had— leaving my family so I can use my time off to travel abroad to London and Paris (and less than a month away, I still don't know where I'm staying).
Life looks a lot different this December than the last one did. I could get into the nitty gritty of the details as to why, but I’ll save that for a therapy session. Needless to say, with the change has come a lot of chaos. I’m typically in a perpetual state of pandemonium as it is, but then cue The Nutcracker’s Russian Dance and the holiday season takes me straight into crazy town.
There’s always so much to do and so little time to do it. I smile and tell friends “Yeah, let’s get dinner before Christmas!” (while the voices in my head are LOL-ing and taunting “Yeah, that’s not happening.”)
I have handfuls of various friends that I love. And I’ve suggested (back in much calmer months) that we should all hang out together so they can all meet. “You have so much in common!” or “You’ll love her!” I’d tell them. “Let's all do dinner soon!"
Again, the internal voices laughed- mocking me for my silly ambitions that weren't going to happen.
But sometimes busyness that turns you into a complete lunatic can work in your favor. Because with my number of available days dwindling down to nothing and the number of friends I wanted to spend time with not changing- I opted to actually make one of those dinner parties a reality. So I rallied together a few of my favorites: Kelleigh, Brenna, Gracie + Sarah. Partially because I knew they’d all get along and enjoy each other’s company, but also (selfishly) because I was running out of available time to see them all individually before the year ended. I also think a small (and delusional) part of me was hoping to keep up with my overworking self of Christmas past. Regardless of why, we all gathered together for some holiday libations + cheer.
I'm not trying to brag, but I really am quite the matchmaker. Everyone hit it off instantaneously. And it was so special to not only carve out an entire afternoon that was dedicated to people I love- but to get to watch them love each other too.
Now, don't let these pictures fool you- this was a cluster to put together. We shoddily sent emails back and forth trying to plan who would bring what. And even beyond this party, the details of my life are borderline in shambles this season. I know that's not what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to send a card of good tidings to you and your kin, as I boast of the peace that overwhelms me. I'm supposed to keep up the persona of "holiday superstar" and try to impress all of you. But I realized when we all came together for this gathering, that I'm not too worried about maintaining that illusion this year.
This Christmas season I want to focus on what really matters: which is being available for the people that I love. I want to use the time I would normally spend signing my name on the same generic card or licking envelopes and instead, actually be with those people. I want to throw rules out the window and not care about doing things perfectly. So 5 of us have never all met and want to put together a holiday party? Screw logistics- let's just throw something together. Let's just have fun doing it. And have fun we did. I loved every second I spent with these women. It challenged me to get over myself and my striving and embrace all the things that Christmas is supposed to be about. (You'd think after hearing that cliche about 100,000 times, it would have soaked in by now, huh?)
So to all of you who have ever fallen prey to my holiday illusions (or at least played along)-- I'm outing myself. Those cards and pretty packages often came at the expense of my sanity or quality time with friends. I actually suck at all those cliches. But I'm discovering that I'm really good at loving people. So I'm just going to focus on doing more of that this year. If I see you around, I'll be sure to give you a really big hug. But I have a feeling you're not really going to miss my Christmas card anyway.
Read more about our holiday party from Brenna, Kelleigh, Sarah and Gracie!
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Thanks so much to Ryan Kanaly for spending the afternoon snapping photos + making us laugh!
Also, thanks so much to Posh Nashville for styling me for the occassion. Because let's be real- I probably would have shown up in yoga pants otherwise.
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