tis the season

Exactly a year ago today, I was leaving Nashville to spend a month in Colorado for work. My life was neat and tidy. Organized and predictable. I worked hard so that everything could (seemingly) tie up nicely in a bow. I packed my fancy gold-foil holiday cards that I addressed and mailed while I was away. I flew home in time for an early Christmas with my parents, and then spent Christmas Day with my boyfriend-at-the-time’s family. And for each occasion, I'd thoughtfully shopped & beautifully wrapped gifts to deliver to all parties. This was what I'd done every Christmas. And even though my entire December was spent in a completely different city, that didn't stop me from being a usual holiday-bad@ss. 

But somehow this year my life is far from organized and tidy. The lamp in my bedroom hasn’t had a shade since March. I laugh at the thought of sending out Christmas cards- because if I’m honest- I’m lucky if I remember to pay my bills on time. Back home in Nashville, I have clothes all over my bedroom floor, dishes in the sink, and piles of mail on the counter that I put off sorting. I’m having the most unconventional Christmas I’ve ever had— leaving my family so I can use my time off to travel abroad to London and Paris (and less than a month away, I still don't know where I'm staying). 

Life looks a lot different this December than the last one did. I could get into the nitty gritty of the details as to why, but I’ll save that for a therapy session. Needless to say, with the change has come a lot of chaos. I’m typically in a perpetual state of pandemonium as it is, but then cue The Nutcracker’s Russian Dance and the holiday season takes me straight into crazy town. 

There’s always so much to do and so little time to do it. I smile and tell friends “Yeah, let’s get dinner before Christmas!” (while the voices in my head are LOL-ing and taunting “Yeah, that’s not happening.”)

I have handfuls of various friends that I love. And I’ve suggested (back in much calmer months) that we should all hang out together so they can all meet. “You have so much in common!” or “You’ll love her!” I’d tell them. “Let's all do dinner soon!"

Again, the internal voices laughed- mocking me for my silly ambitions that weren't going to happen. 

But sometimes busyness that turns you into a complete lunatic can work in your favor. Because with my number of available days dwindling down to nothing and the number of friends I wanted to spend time with not changing- I opted to actually make one of those dinner parties a reality. So I rallied together a few of my favorites: Kelleigh, Brenna, Gracie + Sarah. Partially because I knew they’d all get along and enjoy each other’s company, but also (selfishly) because I was running out of available time to see them all individually before the year ended. I also think a small (and delusional) part of me was hoping to keep up with my overworking self of Christmas past. Regardless of why, we all gathered together for some holiday libations + cheer.

I'm not trying to brag, but I really am quite the matchmaker. Everyone hit it off instantaneously. And it was so special to not only carve out an entire afternoon that was dedicated to people I love- but to get to watch them love each other too. 

Now, don't let these pictures fool you- this was a cluster to put together. We shoddily sent emails back and forth trying to plan who would bring what. And even beyond this party, the details of my life are borderline in shambles this season. I know that's not what I'm supposed to say. I'm supposed to send a card of good tidings to you and your kin, as I boast of the peace that overwhelms me. I'm supposed to keep up the persona of "holiday superstar" and try to impress all of you. But I realized when we all came together for this gathering, that I'm not too worried about maintaining that illusion this year. 

This Christmas season I want to focus on what really matters: which is being available for the people that I love. I want to use the time I would normally spend signing my name on the same generic card or licking envelopes and instead, actually be with those people. I want to throw rules out the window and not care about doing things perfectly. So 5 of us have never all met and want to put together a holiday party? Screw logistics- let's just throw something together. Let's just have fun doing it. And have fun we did. I loved every second I spent with these women. It challenged me to get over myself and my striving and embrace all the things that Christmas is supposed to be about. (You'd think after hearing that cliche about 100,000 times, it would have soaked in by now, huh?)

So to all of you who have ever fallen prey to my holiday illusions (or at least played along)-- I'm outing myself. Those cards and pretty packages often came at the expense of my sanity or quality time with friends. I actually suck at all those cliches.  But I'm discovering that I'm really good at loving people. So I'm just going to focus on doing more of that this year. If I see you around, I'll be sure to give you a really big hug. But I have a feeling you're not really going to miss my Christmas card anyway. 

Read more about our holiday party from Brenna, Kelleigh, Sarah and Gracie!

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Thanks so much to Ryan Kanaly for spending the afternoon snapping photos + making us laugh!

Also, thanks so much to Posh Nashville for styling me for the occassion. Because let's be real- I probably would have shown up in yoga pants otherwise.

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some thoughts on gratitude

Earlier this year, I wanted to vomit at the sheer mention of Thanksgiving. I couldn’t stand the thought of smiling and pretending to be thankful for a list of cliches that were supposed to somehow make up for the searing pain I felt in my heart. It felt inauthentic and cruel to subside my hurt. But then to be expected to be thankful on top of it? Forget it. You can keep your damn turkey. I don’t even eat meat. 

Loss can take us to a lot of dark places. And people try to comfort you with those terrible “someday you’ll look back and be thankful” cliches that make you want to punch them square in the face. 

The things that were causing so much grief in my life were things I would never be thankful for. That’s what I told myself anyway. But in all fairness to myself, I wasn’t just being dramatic. I really did lose a lot this year: trusted relationships, friends, family, plans for the future- all things that meant a great deal to me. 

But I’ve also learned about God’s graciousness. I’ve seen him tear through the darkness in my life and turn it into a beautiful space.  And so as much as I hate to admit it, I think those infuriating people with their stupid cliches may actually have been right. Because I now have a list chalk full of beautiful blessings that were born because of things that I once cursed. 

I’m thankful for adventure. Travel is one of my greatest passions, and this year I've visited more places than I ever have in my entire life (over 4 countries and 17 different cities).  I've watched God recreate my life day by day, piece by piece, and city by city as he’s lead me through new, uncharted territory (both literally and metaphorically.) And what propelled me into action to start buying plane tickets and making these dreams a reality was new time and available space that had freed up following loss.

I’m thankful for time I’ve been able to spend on my own. Being a creature that's wired for companionship, I’d be lying if I denied the fact that sometimes I wish there was a fast-forward button on a cosmic remote control that could speed up the process of meeting my husband. But it’s been during this season of singleness that I’ve really learned to take care of myself. How to be alone. To fight for what I want out of life. I've learned it’s impossible to have a relationship with anyone else that’s better than the one I have with the Lord. That if I long for the future when I’m not content in the present,  I’ll never be satisfied. I can now say that I know what it means to pick myself up after the world knocked the wind out of me- and to walk again. Some days it feels like more of a long-fought journey that I’m on than others, but I can say with pride that it’s mine- not anyone else’s. And I'm really thankful to be learning so much about the person I am- the one God created me to be. 

I’m thankful for community. Losing friends can make you want to build up walls and try to keep everyone out. It's a scary and vulnerable thing to be known, and I still struggle to remind myself not to give way to that fear. But what happens when some friendships fade is that you suddenly notice the gems that stand out brighter than they did before. You have more attention to give to them. And you also create space for so many new and wonderful friends that you would have never met otherwise. You’re able to usher in an entirely new community that makes your life more rich and abundant. Because God is that good. 

And as Shauna Niequist says, "I believe that God does his greatest work in our lives during seasons of great heartbreak and loss. I believe that much of that rich work is done by the hands of people who love us, who dive into the wreckage with us and show us who God is, over and over and over."

I’m thankful for more than I ever imagined I would be this Thanksgiving. For being set free from things I didn’t even know I was a slave to. And for getting a front row seat while I watched God tell a story with my life that’s full of beauty and redemption. But I’m especially thankful for his graciousness toward me - that he's allowed me the privilege to learn so many wonderful things. My cup runneth over.  

"Do you see what we have? An unshakeable kingdom! And do you see how thankful we must be? Not only thankful, but brimming with worship, deeply reverent before God. For he isn't an indifferent bystander. He's actively cleaning house, torching all that needs to burn, and he won't quit until it's all cleansed. God himself is a consuming fire." -Hebrews 12:28-29

Return

The idea of returning has been running through my mind a lot lately. Last week I took another trip back to Colorado for work. This week I’m headed back to Chicago for the first time in over a year. And recently, I’ve been planning all the details for my trip back to Paris over Christmas.

Traveling somewhere for the first time can feel like going on a first date. You feel the butterflies, the excitement; you get to see the “best of the best” about something. It’s still too early in the game to discover any of the gritty details that eventually come up like political disruption or emotional baggage or the fact that they snore.  At the beginning, it all only seems wonderful. 

But returning somewhere you’ve already been introduces a new level of familiarity. Every time we go back to something, we get to know it a little better. We realize that the traffic sucks in that city too, or that Mr. Perfect has morning breath like any other human. We get to know whoever or wherever it is, for what it actually is- not just the grand idea we had in our mind. But that's an incredibly beautiful thing - to continue to return because you still want to learn even more.

I learned a lot of new things this summer when I went back to Rome. Rome was the first city I ever visited in Europe. I went wide-eyed, completely in awe of everything around me. It’s there that I discovered my love for travel was a real, significant thing- that it surpassed the normal amount of happiness most people get out of it. And so when I showed up to the Eternal City for round 2 this year, I felt like a different person. I had such a greater knowledge of my appetite for discovery. I knew so much more about who I really am and what I’m really passionate about.  I felt like a second grader who saw their Kindergarden teacher at the grocery store, tugged on her shirt and shouted “Guess what!? I can read and write now! I know things about the solar system and multiplication and the life cycle of plants and animals!” I was no longer this naive tourist taking her first trip overseas with her mouth hanging open in disbelief. Now, I was a well seasoned traveller- who had learned what she loves and who had been doing a lot more of it.

If I look more closely,  I can see that returning is a subject that goes much deeper than travel. I find myself returning to books I’ve already read, to emotions I thought I’d put behind me, or to God in recognition (once again) that I can’t do it on my own. But each time I gain something valuable.

In Rome, some things about returning felt the same: the tourists taking pictures in front of the Colosseum, the buzzing energy in the streets, the delicious pasta and wine, and how everything felt just as magical as ever.

But a lot of things about returning to Rome felt really different. On this trip, the Trevi fountain was under construction. I took a different routes around the city and discovered new streets and landmarks that I didn’t see the last time. I let myself notice the attractive Italian guy that was smiling at me, and I let myself smile back (because unlike the last time- I’m now single and free to do so).

Sure, my first time visiting Rome felt more magical and like a fairy tale than a lot of moments in my life. But it’s when I returned to Rome that I was able to clearly see how much I’ve grown.

Obviously, returning to Rome or Paris or Chicago all sound lovely. Unfortunately though, some things we return to are much harder to endure. But something powerful happens when we're willing to return to anything: We get a closer look than we did the first time. We have revelation. We learn. 

I’ve learned that facing a fear like public speaking was brave when I started my goal workshops. But returning to face it over and over again is when the transformation to overcome that fear started to occur. 

I've learned that giving myself grace to grieve after a terrible breakup was crucial. But it’s when I let myself return to that grief from time to time if I need to, rather than suppressing it or pretending it never hurts anymore, that I discover my heart is tender and still works-- which is exactly how God intended for it to be.  

I’ve learned how transformational it was when I really started to walk out a life with Jesus. But it’s every time that I return to him, over and over again, that I learn how deep our relationship has become and how much more beautiful it is now. 

Returning to anything is a wonderful teacher. And when we’re willing to humble ourselves and lay down pre-conceived expectations based on the past, we’re able to learn valuable lessons, appreciate experiences more, and even become better people. 

I’m excited about what’s to come from returning to Chicago this week, to Paris in December, and anywhere else in life that I circle back around to. And it's my prayer that I'll approach even those difficult circumstances with the same eagerness the second round. I want to see the details that I missed the first time, to grow in my appreciation for it all, and to see God's hand in all of it along the way. 

"Return to the Lord your God, for He is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love."

- Joel 2:13