Loving Generously

I went on a women’s retreat a few months ago at the beginning of a new season I’m my life that I wasn’t particularly fond of. We spent the weekend talking about Jesus, sharing our stories, eating nourishing meals, and connecting with one another. I didn’t know the majority of the women there, but it didn’t keep any of us from being open with one another. It was an unspoken assumption that it was a safe place. 

Over coffee one morning, I sat and talked with Suzie- an adorably delightful woman from London. I think I could have talked to her for hours simply to listen to her endearing British accent and phrases that I could gobble up like macaroni. I learned she was married and had a little boy and that she was in culinary school. On paper, her life seemed to be completely different from mine- like there would be little we could relate to in this present day. But she started asking me questions, and not just for the sake of polite conversation. She wanted to hear what was on my heart. We talked for a while while I told her about everything from my love of travel to my fears of the future, to my uncertainties and my heartbreak. Every detail I shared prompted her to lean in closer- to ask more questions. 

“You’re in need of an adventure.” she said in her charming British accent-and that sentence has stuck with me ever since. She started telling me about when she was single in her twenties and living back in London. How she had her heart broken. How she had longed for love and a family. She told me about how it was during this time she became friends with Jesus instead of just praying to him now and then- how they went to the cinema together and explored together. How she prayed for him to provide the things that she felt a lack in, and how he’d always come through. 

I loved our conversation. I felt inspired listening to her story. We exchanged numbers upon leaving the retreat and said we should keep in touch. 

A couple weeks passed, and Suzie texted me. She offered to cook dinner for me, and I gladly accepted.  I arrived at her house a few nights later to an aroma of spices simmering and she whipped up a hot sauce she made from scratch.  While dinner was being finished, her husband (who can make a mean cocktail)  crafted a delicious gin and chartreuse concoction for me to enjoy. We shared a savory meal and I felt nurtured as I indulged in the Asian salmon and jasmine rice and spicy green beans that she had poured her time and energy and generosity into. I felt so spoiled, that this family had planned their evening around me- some stranger who was taking them up on a free meal. It was such a nice break from my bachelorette dinners of takeout or cheese and crackers. (I wish I was kidding when I said this is an actual picture of my refrigerator.)

After dinner, dad put baby to bed and left to meet some friends so Suzie and I could socialize. We ate too many slices of thick, decadent nutella brioche she had made (arguably one of the best desserts I’ve ever tried). We rambled on and on about travel- the most beautiful places we’ve seen, the places we hoped to go. She gushed about life back home in London and I listened on the edge of my chair, practically feeling like I was there. 

She reminded me that Jesus is good. That failed plans are his specialty. She encouraged me to embrace the unknown. That someday I would look back on this time with sweetness and appreciation. She reminded me that there is a season for answers- for settling down and getting married and having a family and all of that, but that season will be much sweeter if you let God do it in his time. If you let him take you on an adventure first. If you fully embrace whatever season he has you in at that moment. 

After hours of talking and laughing and overeating, it was late and time for me to leave. I thoroughly enjoyed our time together and was grateful she had welcomed me home so that I could be loved on for a night. 

But the thing is, it hasn’t stopped there. I’m not just some charity project she cooked dinner for, patted herself on the back and went about her life. She’s followed up. She’s given me gifts. She's lent me books. I went over to her place again last night for another great meal and wonderful conversation. I’ve given her nothing (except for an “it’s the least I could do” bottle of wine) and she continues to lavish love on me. 

You see, we become so guarded with our time. We give it to our jobs, our TV shows, our workout routines or our close circle of friends and acquaintances. We save our acts of extravagant love for those we deem most deserving: to the people that we know will return the favor for us. 

The friends and family on my roster have shown me great love. They’ve supported me through hard times. I can recount every kind gesture they’ve each shown me in their unique way through this season, and I don’t take a single one of those acts of love or loyalty for granted for even a second. And I'm confident that I have and I will return the same love and loyalty to them in their time of need. I’m so thankful for what a beautiful thought that is: that we have a support system to walk alongside us no matter what life brings. 

But it’s the kind of love that Suzie has shown me that has caught me off guard, because I’ve done nothing to deserve it. It so beautifully illustrates the kind of love that Jesus lavishes on us. It's extravagant. It’s completely unnecessary. It doesn’t stop. It makes you ask “But why me? What’s in this for you?"

It’s challenged me. It’s made me stop and ask myself why I’ve never done this before. Why I’ve never taken an opportunity to grab ahold of someone in their time of need and love them. Not just tell them I’ll be praying for them. Not just offer to take them to dinner one time. But really and truly make them feel like they’re important and they’re loved. 

The thing is, I have a whole community of people who can love me well. I’m not a crazy cat lady with no one to keep me company- and Suzie knew this. She didn’t believe I was needy- but she knew that no human will ever not benefit from acts of generous love. That we all want to feel chosen, important, and worthy of people’s time or their sacrifice or their kindness. Anyone can hold a door open for a stranger or take a few extra seconds from their day, but when someone goes above and beyond to love you relentlessly for no reason at all? People notice. They notice, and they’re moved by it. 

So thank you to my friend, Suzie. Thank you for lavishing love on me with mouth-watering meals, for appeasing my love of good conversation- especially about travel and Jesus. Thank you for encouraging me about my future and all the good that lies ahead- as unknown as it may be. Thank you for showing me the kind of extravagant love that I'm inspired to show others. It's touched me more than you know.  

Today

There’s a lot of controversy over the idea of living for today. I could spin it to you a couple different ways: 

I could tell you that today is all we have. That we shouldn't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. That we should stay up late. Make memories. Always eat dessert. Cease the day. Carpe Diem, and all that jazz. 

I could tell you that what you do today paints your tomorrow. That you should use today to prepare for a beautiful future. That you should save for retirement. Eat a well-balanced diet.  Consider your career trajectory. Invest in a healthy relationship that has potential to lead to a wonderful marriage.

Maybe you're the type that's not worried about tomorrow. Maybe you live with complete optimism that all things will work out as they should. Or maybe you're simply trying to distract yourself from the thought of having to deal with the repercussions of tomorrow because of the way you're living right now.  

Perhaps you group yourself into the worrying category. One of those that constantly gets worked up thinking about the future. Maybe you’re worked up about it in a negative way. You fear all the things that could go wrong. You see yourself far away from even having a clue about what to do next. Or maybe you’re like me right now and worked up about your future in an exciting way. You have a dream that you’re so pumped about- that you can’t wait to bring to life. You’re basically sprinting as fast as you can to the light at the end of the tunnel because you want it so badly. 

If I wanted to sell this thing like a Hallmark card, it'd be in my best interest to pick an angle and work it hard. It'd sound a lot more dramatic and impactful to have a strong opinion of one side. But allow me to be painfully pragmatic for a moment: you need both. You need a life where you're able to live appreciatively and fully in the present. But you also need a life where you consider your future. 

Sure, on paper I'd love a life full of nothing but sunny days and chocolate cake and wine always flowing. But if every today was filled with those things, sooner or later I'd be parched, diabetic and an alcoholic. So I need days where I think about the long term benefits of my future. Where I sigh in agitation and dig into the details of my 401K contribution. Where I wake up at 6am and exercise. Where I go to the dentist or go to bed at a reasonable hour. 

God doesn't want us to try to control our lives (as if that's even an option) but he does want to see us show up.  So I’m going to live a life that's a balance of the two. I’m going to work tenaciously to chase my dreams and show God I’m up for the challenge. That I believe with Him, all things are possible- and that I’m ready to do the work he’s calling me to do to make those things happen. But each day when I reach the point of not knowing what to do next, when he smiles and says “that’s all for today- we have more in store for tomorrow” I’m not going to fight him. I’m going to drink up the beautiful details of “in the meantime."

Life unfolds slowly one today after another. This weekend in the midst of planning and dreaming and passionately wanting to see a dream of mine magically come to fruition overnight, I had to do a gut check. I had to tell myself "Easy girl, you're not there yet." If I would have let myself continue obsessing, I would have missed a lot of beautiful things. Like the date with my dad at a baseball game, drinking beers and eating peanuts and pretzels dripping with mustard and sharing soft serve ice cream while we talked about this dream of mine. Or sitting up 'til 2 am with friends on my living room floor drinking and talking about life. Or the delicious Greek food my friends and I ordered after church on a rainy Sunday night, talking about Jesus while eating hummus and Spanakopita.

Soon my dad is retiring and moving to Florida. Someday I’ll probably be sitting awake at 2am with an infant, not drunkenly enjoying conversation with my friends. The human metabolism slows down more and more over the years, so I won’t always be able to order Baklava AND Bouyatsa for dessert at that Greek restaurant without paying for it. My point is simply that I have every reason to believe that God will fulfill the desire he’s placed on my heart, but I also have every reason to believe that he has a lot of other gifts to give me in the meantime. 

In the process of drinking up the present this weekend, I met a close friend for a drink. This particular friend happens to be the same one I’ve been dreaming this wildly, crazy big dream with- the dream that’s made me shamelessly lust after the tomorrows ahead. As we sat in a dimly lit bar drinking pretentious cocktails among dozens of singles, we shared our longing for this dream. How bad we want it. How awesome we think it’s going to be. Our eyes lit up and the ideas poured out like water bursting from a floodgate. We couldn't freaking wait. After doing this for a little while, we smiled and clinked glasses and acknowledged that we have a long road ahead of us. That there is a lot that needs to be done to make this dream a reality. But the beauty of big dreams is that they slowly unfold one today at a time. We get to celebrate one tiny little victory after another every day that we get closer. And that makes us appreciate it all so much more.  

I’m dying to spill my guts about this big crazy dream. To be at the point where I get to tell you that I have it all figured out. That my plan is secure. But I’d be lying through my teeth if I did. I don’t know what any of the details look like. There’s still way too much to figure out to even be able to explain it adequately. But I am working on it. It will come together with time. But until then, I’ll keep spilling my guts about the beautiful things that I do know in the meantime: that life is good- the way that sweet friends are good and dreams are good, and sharing Greek desserts with your friends is good. That tomorrow will be good, because Jesus is good. And in the meantime, today is also good. And it’s dripping with one gem after another if you’ll open your eyes and look for them all. 

Strength to rewrite your story.

We grow up being told who we are: by our parents, our teachers, our friends, and our peers. They told us about how we were smart or pretty or funny or talented in a particular area. Sometimes they gave us titles that were much more painful: like chubby, boring, stupid or worthless. Regardless of the words that have been spoken about us over the years, they’re often pivotal in shaping our identity of self. We hear those voices of others and play the tape over and over in our minds. Often, we let these voices become a driving force in our lives whether we’re willing to admit it or not. We work tirelessly to hear more of the voices that made us feel valued and to hear less of the voices that caused us pain. 

I’ve given the microphone in my life to so many voices over the years. Voices that told me I wasn't quite good enough. That my thighs were too thick. That I wasn't important. That I was boring. That I wasn't smart enough. That I was too needy. That I didn't belong. The list goes on. Not only were a lot of these voices not true, but they weren’t helping me live an abundant life. So I'm not listening to them anymore. I’m finding the strength to not be defined by my past. I’m finding the strength to acknowledge the things I’ve learned that I’m not, and the strength to, more importantly, acknowledge all the things I am. I’m finding the strength to tell a new story about my life.

I’ve learned who I’m not.  That I’m not very good at math or numbers or things of the analytical sort. I’ve learned that I'm not a runner- that I actually really, really despise it.  I've learned that I’m not shy, but I’m not going to fight you to be the center of attention. I've learned that I'm not happy when I try to live up to all the extraordinary expectations I've put on myself. That a life without carbs isn't one that I'm interested in.  I’ve learned that my identity is not defined by a career, a relationship, or the size of my waist. I’ve learned that I’m not okay with settling for a mediocre life. 

I’ve learned what I am. I’ve learned that I’m a traveller that wants life to be one adventure after another. That I want to see and do and explore as much as I possibly can. I’ve learned that I'm capable of sharing my faith boldly and unapologetically, after years of quietly avoiding disruption. That God laughs with me when I drink too much wine on Saturday because he knows my heart. I’ve learned that I’m an achiever that makes plans so I can crush my goals, but that I’m a closet rule breaker that wants to throw those parameters out the window from time to time for the sake of adventure. I’ve learned that I'm not afraid to be vulnerable. That these blog posts may seem cheesy and over the top to some, but that I'm wired with a greater passion for inspiration than I am seeking the approval of others.  I’ve learned that I make one a hell of a companion- one that loves tenaciously, loyally, and passionately. That I'm a lot of fun and sometimes I'm even funny. I've learned that I have downfalls and imperfections but I love hard,  forgive gracefully and am deserving of greatness. 

I’ve learned that life can unfold a lot differently than any of us anticipate it to, but that it's still bursting with possibility. That I can still become extremely well-traveled, a successful businesswoman, a dedicated wife, a loving (but likely clueless) mom, and inspiration to others... and if not, I can still rewrite my story several different ways that would all be beautiful. 

These are my voices now. The ones I believe to be true, and the ones I'm choosing to let dictate the life that I live. What are yours? Are you able to differentiate the nagging and lies from those tied who you really are? Maybe your life doesn't look the way you thought it would. Maybe you're in the middle of an identity crisis because the voices tell you that you're not measuring up somehow. If that's the case, I hope that you can find the strength to rewrite your story. To shut up the voices that aren't helping you live the life you were created to live. 

I know that sometimes we need to hear the voices that are hard, and that they can make us better versions of ourselves. But I hope that you'll know when to listen, what to take away, and that you don't get stuck. I hope the loudest voice you ever hear is the one that says "Don't give up. Anything is possible."